Sad

It's been kind of a downer day here at the Casa Robertito. Nothing really bad is going on, just a lot of small things conspiring to make me feel dull and sad. Pumping is not going as well as I would've hoped. I'm trying to get in supplements and tea and frequent pumping, but it's harder now that Robert is more active and I have a job to think about as well.  I miss having my mom here like she was last time I was trying to get going with pumping, making me tea and washing all those stupid pump parts (and other dishes as well!) again and again. You'd think I'd be well into a routine by now, after doing it for so long, but it's much more discouraging this time around. My output is a lot smaller now than it was when I was pumping before, and Robert's needs are greater. I'm making barely a third of what he needs, maybe two ounces if I'm lucky every time I pump. Sometimes even less. And the pumping is painful, so to pump and wash and store so often for so little is quite unrewarding.

The formula is so easy, too. The last time I was exposed to it was when my younger sister was a baby, when it was stinky and lumpy and gross. This stuff has come a long way. Scoop it in the bottle, add water, a little diffident shaking, and it's perfect. I know the breastmilk is better for him, but I've been doing that for four months, even though it's never been easy, and I kind of want to just stop now. We can't afford it, though. We can't afford all the supplements I'm trying now either. The only solution appears to be a magical fourfold increase in my milk supply that kicks in very soon. Right now things are still getting worse, so I'm not holding my breath.

Work was not so good today either, which contributes to my mood. I walked and drove all over, trying to finish my binder. I waited till I was sure people would be home from work. Out of eight people, I got one, and that was on a last-ditch second try because I happened to see a car in the driveway on my way home. I tried calling when I was at home and had someone hang up on me, a full voicemail box, and a wrong number. I started later than I wanted to and though I went as late as I could, I'm still behind for hours this week. I'm going to have to really kick into high gear tomorrow and Saturday if I'm going to get my minimum number of hours. I'd hoped to be doing a lot more than minimum, but M's work schedule basically means I can only work half the week, and bad weather has just made it worse. I feel under the gun, but maybe a good day tomorrow will help.

On top of all that, the house is dirty and disorganized, I'm behind in my coupon spreadsheet, and I'm just really tired all the time. Maybe it's some bizarre mutation of S.A.D. that hits in the springtime, maybe I've just got too much to do. Maybe I'm just too lazy for my own good and not buckling down enough. I mean, I could be doing dishes right now, but I feel too tired to get out of my chair. I'd better figure something out. The dishes and the laundry never seem to manage to do themselves, no matter how hard I wish for it. And we need both done very badly.

Anyway, that's enough whining for right now. Everybody's gotta vent. To send this thing out on a high note, here's another picture from when Robert and I were playing today. He screws up his face when the flash goes off, so it's hard to catch him smiling, but take my word for it that he's very cute.