Conquering Want

Robert was fussy almost all day today. I wonder if he's starting to cut teeth, or if every baby just has days like this. He woke up at 5:30, ate, and unconditionally refused to go back down again. Thank god it was Thursday and M was home all day. I stayed up with Robert till seven, then passed him off to M till 9:30, when I felt slightly more awake. Robert took a short nap in his crib and a slightly longer nap in the bouncy seat, but otherwise he was awake and mad about it. We did not go to knitting, because I knew he wouldn't be good, and it would just cause more trouble. Eventually in the afternoon, I packed him up and we went out shopping.

One of my birthday presents was a gift card to Kohl's, which is very cool. I like Kohl's, and they happened to be having a very good sale this week, with lots of things half off. It was kind of funny, actually, doing shopping that wasn't with coupons, and wasn't for bare essentials. I could buy things just because I wanted them. And when you get down to it, I have many wants! I bought a wind spinner to hang on one of the hooks on the patio, because it would look great with the giant terra-cotta windchime I got as a wedding present. I also got a skinny grater with a handle to let me easily grate cheese onto pasta, as well as zest lemons and stuff like that. It's pretty neat. I also spent quite a bit of time at the jewelry counter, something I rarely do.

Mother's Day is coming up, my first one as an actual mother. I have already discharged my daughterly duty by my mom; I got her a whole bunch of her favorite lotion and gave it to her when we went up to visit. Yay, coupons! She should be set until next Mother's Day. But I don't know so much how to deal with it myself. When  I was growing up, pretty much every year for Mother's Day or her birthday, my dad would get my mom some really beautiful piece of jewelry (usually he would say it was from us kids, too). My dad is awesome at picking out the perfect jewelry, and when he gave it to her, it was a sign of love, not just of giving her a sparkly present. I know that's not the way my marriage is. M shows his love in lots of different ways, from sometimes spontaneously washing every dish in the house because he knows I'm tired to stopping me in the hall and kissing the heck out of me. But he's not a jewelry guy. He's more flowers and candy and books.

I realized today that some part of me would be disappointed not to get something pretty to wear for Mother's Day, so I decided to take matters into my own hands. The jewelry sale today was really good, too. I got a really beautiful pair of 24k gold over sterling silver earrings for only 12 dollars, down from 40. They're just beautiful. I'm really happy to have them, and now my jewelry itch is scratched, plus I don't have to worry about where the money for a fancy present would come from. I will take a picture of them pretty soon to show them off. All in all, I spent 33 gift card dollars on 76 dollars worth of stuff at Kohl's, and I think that is pretty good.

Robert was still being good when we finished up, so I left him in the stroller and pushed him across the parking lot to the new Sears Outlet. I wanted to look at chest freezers, just to price them out, you know. They are expensive! The ones they had were also kind of bigger than I wanted. I would love a deep freezer so much, even if I'm not sure where I'd put it. I'd find a place. Once I'd looked at the deep freezers, I wandered around the store a little more, marveling at the countertop dishwasher and the portable washing machine. Those are also very expensive. Then I stumbled headlong into WANT.

Back when I was in college, I had an awesome coffee machine. It made only two cups at a time, but it made them directly into these brushed-metal thermal go-cups, no carafe or anything. Just enough for one person, really. I loved that thing. One summer when I was moving out, I had to carry it and a bunch of other boxes down from the third floor, and I decided to leave them in the lobby while I carried the whole lot down, then move them to the car. During this process, someone decided to help themselves to my stuff, and they stole my  blender and my coffeemaker. I was so sad, but I learned a valuable lesson. Anyway, what did I find today at the outlet store but a coffeemaker just like that lost one, and for only fifteen dollars.

I wanted that doggone thing. I looked at it, then walked away, then came back, then circled half the store, then came back again. But I thought about it and thought about it, and I didn't get it. Because I can't spare fifteen dollars without blowing the rest of the month's budget, and because I haven't got any place to put it, and because summer is a'coming in. But mostly because I knew I didn't actually want coffee. I wanted this cool thing I used to have, and maybe I wanted to be able to get something, when I'd just spent half an hour dreaming over all the things I couldn't have. I couldn't afford 350 for a freezer or 600 for a dishwasher or a dryer, but I could justify fifteen if I tried hard enough. I didn't get the colander I wanted at Kohl's because it was more expensive than I thought I could find somewhere else, and I didn't buy any of their cute baby clothes because we visit the thrift store every week anyway. Getting the coffeemaker would be trying to wipe out what I couldn't have with what I could. I don't know when I even would've been able to take it out of the box, our kitchen is so crowded. So I didn't buy it, I didn't buy anything. But I do have a price point for freezers now, which is something.

After we got home, Robert and I went over to the neighbors. They are going to watch Robert for me on Tuesday, hurrah! That makes things considerably easier on me as I go for Census training next week. Wish me luck! Oh, and I should explain the picture of Robert from today. When I had my baby shower, I asked everyone to bring a bead for me to put onto a string to take with me into labor, so I could remember all the people who love me and were praying for me. In the dark hours of the early morning when I was bracing on the windowsill and trying to get through the contractions, that chain was on the windowsill right under my nose. I couldn't even reach for it, but I looked at it, and I remembered. Taking a picture of Robert holding it, and all the people who love him, seemed only appropriate.